Which Dad you born a you go be.
I am not going to give you a rule book on how to live your life as a youth in this zeitgeist me saf ano Dey see top. I have been a Ghanaian all my life and if there’s anything I’m an expert at, then it’s being a Ghanaian youth. I rarely give the best advice but I’m going to give you some advice on how to be a great Ghanaian youth! 🙂 Chale! Hands in the air!
Step 1: Get money or get money. There’s no gray area.
This might sound a little cliché but the ordinary Ghanaian youth is obsessed with money. Why won’t we? The society we live in is conditioned to make us fail. We have to break the seal. If your parents are not lucky to be rich already, you’re colossally fucked. You will succumb to the pressures, the pleasures and the failures. You will save no money, you’ll be poor and you’ll be controlled by your peers maybe throughout your entire life.
Now you either have to fake it till you make it which is even more expensive than actually having it or just become a fraud. Yes, a fraud. It’s easier these days. Just don’t say you’re a fraud because actually, no one is a fraud in Ghana. Call it urmmmm…wait…call it… uhhhh…an ‘online business’ or even better, call them investors. If you’re good enough, you can become a ‘chairman’ that’s where you get all the girls and the money. We’ve glorified it and it’s paying. We go thank ‘Baba’ later.
Step 2: Know how to chill even when you’re broke. It’s called ‘settings’.
Now listen, especially the girls. You don’t have to get money to go to the fancy restaurants and hotels. Tag along a friend who has the means to pay. When you get to the place, take as many pictures and videos as you can on your Snapchat. Don’t post them instantly, at least not the obvious ones. Wait a week later and then post it from your memories ‘1 week ago’. It shows authenticity, audacity and lifestyle affordability. Yes! Yaa, you did it yourself. And when they ask who sent you there? Get angry, deflect and start posting memes that talks about how independent you are as a woman and how people are jealous of you. You deserve the soft life sha.
Step 3: ‘Americanize’ or ‘Britishize’ yourself a little bit. It makes you cool and progressive.
As a young Ghanaian youth on the scene, who’s never been outside the country or even the region you reside, project the American and the British culture. Make sure your ‘lafa’ is on point. I mean the fake accent. If you’re a girl and a guy mistakenly steps into your dms or catcalls you, make sure you disgrace them using your ‘accent’. That makes you so coooool and exotic. It elevates your social status when you live the american culture in this savage society. You are the one who’s progressive. Use the ‘finna’ and the ‘gonna’ when constructing sentences. Now tell me, Isn’t that awesome? Forget your culture and values, they are not ‘gucci’. Your society is conservative and you must hate it because liberalism is the only way forward. Hurray!!
Step 4: Act like a tourist in your own country.
Whenever you go to a new region or a new place, feign ignorance. Make sure you interact with the locals like they owe you their attention. Act special and give some cedis to people who help you with directions. The whole country is just Accra so whenever you travel outside the region and you go to Ada, act like you’re in Santorini. Be surprised that you see people who are just like you, with the same skin color, doing things that are just normal. Like living their lives. Nothing extraordinary. When you go to these ‘location’ spots and you see the locals, take pictures with them. After all, you’ll post it on your IG and statuses and caption it, ‘helping the needy’. Your God will bless you.
Step 5: This is the most important step, pretend to care.
Everybody is going through something monumental in their lives especially you, so don’t make time to care about other people’s problems. There’s a lot going on within your space that doesn’t even allow you to give a damn about your friend. Caring about your mental health is termed as ‘weak’. There’s nothing more weaker and embarrassing than admitting that you’re ‘mad’. Yes, mad. In Ghana, we think mental health is just for the mad people on the streets and the psychiatric hospitals. And if people shamelessly admit they have issues, tag them as weird because yours is the kingdom of heaven. Never let them see you fret, everybody is your enemy and every friend is an opportunist. Trust nobody, never allow yourself. That is how a true Ghanaian lives.
Step 6: Don’t let some people know that you’re chilling. It’s a show off
As an unfortunate possessor of the citizenship of Ghana, having a good time is a show off. You can’t go to Dubai and pose in the Dubai mall, while there are hungry people in your own area. They will guilt trip you! You’ll feel like you don’t deserve your own hard-earned enjoyment or ‘soft life’. To most people, having a soft life is a taboo. You have to suffer. In Ghana, the suffering is democratic and must be equally shared. If you don’t seem like you’re suffering, then you don’t have the authority to comment on the plight of the average Ghanaian. And if you’re lucky to be accepted then you can never escape the ‘Billings’ that will come after your life. Ghanaians bask in entitlement. So next time you go out on a trip for chilling, post it on your private story. Show off when you want to attract an opposite sex. It always works trust me.
Know these steps and you’ll become one of the best Ghanaians ever because we are always in a competition in this country. A fucking rat race.
Add up more of the steps in the comment session my fellow youth. Clap if you loved this piece and comment your favorite parts.
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