14 Things We Don’t Want For Val’s Day. Yours Sincerely, Ladies

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Valentine’s Day is approaching and we know all the men in our lives…yes I  said ALL THE MEN in our lives, are racking their brains and scrolling chat history trying to find out the gifts they can amaze us with. So we decided to help them out and make a list of the things we absolutely do not want for Val’s day. Hopefully, it will shed light on what they can get us if they want the relationship to continue.

Artificial Flowers

For Chrissakes please do not consider that possibility. We do not want any artificial flowers with fake perfumes sprayed on it. If you must absolutely do flowers, do fresh natural flowers that are not from your neighbor’s garden, roses, tulips, daises etc send it via delivery service to ensure it arrives in the best possible form. Artificial flowers will go to the trash can right before our relationship.

Cheap Wine

Do not send us any of those “Jolly Jus ” species trapped in bottles and labeled as champagne… You know what I mean. Let it be far away from our esteemed selves that you will send any sorry excuse for Red wine, Rose’, juice, or spirits. We don’t want to publish a list of what we want but we are sure you get the drift.

Matching Outfits

We are not twins! We are not getting married! And we are neither under 18 nor over 40! This is not the time to show the whole world we are a couple. Do not get me an outfit that matches yours as a Val’s day gift. You can give me your favorite Tshirt, or Rolex or my size of your Yeezy Boost. No matching outfits, that sh*t is too corny.

Second-Hand Stuff

Unless it is vintage or autographed, Valentines day is not the time to buy me any second-hand item. You don’t have to go out of your way to buy something overly expensive but for the love of god, make me the first one to use it.

Repeat Of Last Year

You had 365 days to plan for this, please don’t make us re-live the previous year. Put some thought into your gesture and some spark into our relationship by doing something different this year, the rewards will be amazing we assure you.

Teddy Bear

When we picture you carrying and over-sized stuffed animal into our houses, we also picture you tripping and falling with it into the mud. That gesture is too tired, corny and basic. Blow our minds, is all we ask.

Cards

Please do not buy us generic Happy Valentines Day cards from the bookshop with cheesy messages like

Roses are red,

violets are blue

my heart is full

of love for you

If you will send a card, make is special and let the message be personal and original.

Fake Brands

That is unpardonable! We want nothing to do with the travesty that is Abibas, Sansamg, Supreme Dede, Dolge & Babana etc.`Unless you are trying to make a laughing stock of our relationship especially on a day this special, don’t insult us in such a manner. We expect more vigilance and diligence from the men in our lives.

Sex

Sex is not a gift! Unless you are a hoe running a promotion, sex is not a gift you give to anyone. Do not assume that sex, because it goes well on Val’s day, is substitute for what you ought to give us. Sex is something we share it’s not given or taken so for the love of god, don’t give us only good sex on Val’s day. WE DON’T WANT!

Club Date

How crass can you be to take us to a club on Val’s day? We want a private romantic date where we can have each-other to ourselves and relate with the mood of the celebration. We don’t mind being at home cooking together so long as there are no interruptions.

Presents Over Time

We also do not appreciate a truckload of amazing presents, if we do not get to spend time with our significant other. The purpose of the day is to show love and share love so carve time out of your busy schedule and just be with us without looking at your watch or checking your mail or social media.

Something We Just Got Ourselves

We need our men to be attentive and observant, make sure the purse you are buying is not the same thing we bought a few weeks ago. If we’ve been talking about it a long time, chances are that we already got it for ourselves. Before you buy us something, find a way to verify that we still haven’t bought it yet, without ruining the surprise. Good luck with that though.

Movie Date

We don’t care what is showing, we don’t want your entire Val’s day itinerary to be a two-hour movie. Unless you are buying out the entire theater for just the two of us, we are sorry a movie date doesn’t cut it.

Nothing

We are sure this write-up has convinced you that doing nothing is your best bet, don’t be deceived. Regardless of how broke you are, we fell in love with your amazing self so make our day with some thoughtfulness and we’ll appreciate it.

signed

The women in your life

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