What (NOT) To Do At A Fancy Dinner

Oh you fancy, huh? No, you’re not. Not really. But you lucked out, and got invited to a fancy ass dinner at that swanky restaurant that all the rich people have been going to. You know, the one with the hundred cedi balls of fufu? That’s the one.

But you’re not fancy, you’re sankwas! So, here’s a few tips on table manners to help you avoid disgracing your family.

Pre-Chow Rules

As soon as you sit, lay your napkin down on your lap, and turn off your phone. There is no texting, no tweeting, no calling…and most of all, listen very closely, no “krε- krε” picture taking. If you want to do photoo, go to Action Chapel car park after 12.

Using the Fork and Knife

Depending on how fancy the restaurant is, you’ll be seeing quite a number of cutlery. Let’s focus on the basic two. The fork (a four-letter word) goes in the left (another four-letter word) hand. The knife (a five letter word) goes on the right (another five letter word) hand. The knife is used to cut and help food unto the fork. Do not scrape your fork on the plate to scoop food, like you’re using a spoon.
(See demonstration here)

There are two cutlery positions you need to memorise, the “Rest” and the “Finished” positions. The “Rest” position tells the waiter that although you seem like you’re done eating, you aren’t really done. The “Finished” position tells the waiter to come and clear the table

Eating Etiquette

Contrary to what you were told, talking is permitted at the dinner table. We’re not robots. However, avoid talking, when you have food in your mouth. Cut your food into small portions before you help it into your mouth.

If you’re an Ewe, you’ll get some food stuck in between your teeth. Don’t worry, it’s just your village people, doing what they do best. Don’t pick at your teeth with a toothpick or try to use your tongue to counter your village people. Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom and get your shit together. If you get food on the area around your lips, use the napkin to dab and blot, don’t wipe your mouth like the napkin is your father’s face towel

If you need something that is just out of your reach, don’t get up and go and get it. Don’t stretch. Just politely ask for it to be passed to you.

Don’t smoke during the meal. Wait until after dessert, leave the table and go and do your smoking.

Additional Rules

I don’t care how hot the food is, don’t blow on it. And since you want to be childish, don’t slurp either, These are pretty basic rules.

If you’re going for the dinner in somebody’s house, it is proper to bring a gift. Like, a bottle of alcohol. Please, no dry gin.

Under no circumstances should you ask for a takeaway pack at a fancy restaurant or at somebody’s house. And while we’re on the subject of disguising your true beginnings in the corners of Lapaz, don’t insult or berate waiters. Only bush people do that

There’s a wine holding protocol. If it’s red wine, you hold the wineglass by the bowl. It it’s white wine, hold the stem of the wineglass.

Last and most important, if you did the damn inviting, you do the damn paying.

There’s about a million rules, but you should be fine, if you get these things on lockdown. Remember, no “krε- krε” picture taking.


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