Office life is dangerously deceptive, ask those who know. Nothing is what it seems. Those who “like” you will be the ones laughing in your face as you’re pushed into the lion’s den. Those who hate you…well, they hate you more than you know. You can’t win.
Or can’t you?
We tried to find the five surest rules to doing this office thing in the safest way possible.
Rule No. 1 – Stay Far Away From Office Gossip
Whatever you do, stay far away from office gossip. And I mean this. Don’t say nothing, don’t hear nothing and don’t see nothing. There will be times when people tryyyyyy to involve you. You will be sitting at your somewhere, and someone will ask you, “…or am I lying” or they will ask you, “…abi I’m not lying” and those things.
Lemme tell you.
Say after me. The Devil Is A Liar.
Rule No. 2. – Don’t Even Try To Get Angry And Fight
There are another set of demons who will try to kill your career by provoking you to fight. You have been given work, you have finished, you are sitting in your corner. And then someone will come and find your trouble. For no reason. And you just sit there, and you know you can donate a few slaps.
But you know better. At least, I think you know better. You will sit there, you will take it with a neutral expression on your face, you will nod and say yes please, and you will see to whatever it is they want. You will not bring it up, and you will not snitch.
Rule No. 3. – Never Go Over Your Supervisor’s Head
Which brings us to Rule No. 3: You will not go over your boss’ head under any circumstances. Even if Obama is your little brother, relax. You will get farther, and do better, by exhibiting some humility, in spite of your connections. It is always better that people are pleasantly surprised by your humility, especially when they know you’re powerful, but you don’t make a big show of it. You get respected more.
I repeat: if your boss does something you don’t like, if your boss denies you something, do not escalate above him.
Rule No. 4. – Be Careful Of People Who Are Too Friendly
Be wary of those who are too nice. This one, it’s not just office sef. Generally, in the world, be careful of people who are too nice to you. They either talk too much, and will get you in trouble, or they are everybody’s friend and will get you in trouble, or they want to be everywhere and will get you in trouble.
They are the ones usually trying to get you do some shit, when all you literally want to do is….not get into trouble.
Rule No. 5. – Take On As Much Extra Work As You Can
You can’t lose with taking up extra work. It’s the shortest cut, and the oldest trick in the damn book. See, get up and go and buy beans. Sweep the banking hall. Do what you have to do. Make yourself indispensable. Ask questions about shit you already know how to do, and give your superiors the pleasure of being important. It is a jungle out there, and only the cunning will win.
Rule No. 6. – Don’t Snitch. Like Ever.
If you did all of the work on the group project, keep quiet. You won’t get extra credit for doing all the work. You’ll just get a reputation in the office around the office as a snitch, and maybe, your boss will be wary of you. Grow up.
Rule No. 7. – Don’t Have Sex
Don’t have sex.