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Why Love Is Not A Good Enough Reason To Start A Relationship

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“You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.”- Mark Manson

A wise friend once told me that I shouldn’t be quick to pick the person who loves me, because I’m better off with the person who respects me. Back then, I thought he was paranoid and afraid of being vulnerable (which he is!) But after several years, I’m convinced that this is the wisest thing he ever said (sorry buddy).

For the sake of argument, I’ll give an operational definition for love as …Screenshot_2016-04-17-16-52-03-1

for the sake of this discourse, let love be all the strong affection and butterflies in the tummy and not wanting to spend time apart and not being able to keep your hands to yourself.

By way of illustration, it makes sense to love ice cream so much that you would want to carry it your bosom everywhere. But ice cream by its nature is an unhealthy partner to be in such a committed relationship with because of obvious health reasons. It is however reasonable to be in an on-again-off-again relationship with ice cream. The point is that all the mushy feeling and lovey-dovey are not enough reasons to start a committed relationship

Now to the feeling of being in love. I maintain that people have a reason for falling in love, they may fall for your walk, or face or hair or mind or ambition. That in itself is not a bad thing… people falling in love with seemingly mundane things; because the heart wants what it wants. Sometimes, it helps to know what you are falling in love with and what about you the other person is falling in love with. It may surprise you to know that people fall in love with love; i.e the sensation of being in love with someone and all the accompanying thrills and giddiness.

It is therefore important to look past all the feelings and make objective decisions because in real relationships, there are humans with flaws and friends and family and jobs among a billion things that aren’t as wonderful as the love you feel and if you are driven by love, it will be equal to buying cake for the sugar icing. You may end up taking home a caramel cake and triggering your allergies.

The truth is that, many have cited love as the reason for staying in abusive relationships and they end up losing their self esteem, limbs etc. Even abusers cite love for their dastardly acts and expect to get away with it. Usually the litmus test is to ask yourself whether you will take the same treatment from a best friend, if not. that is your cue to walk away.

That you love someone is not enough to start a relationship, sometimes seek a second and third opinion. Ask yourself and the person the questions that matter. Look out for respect, kindness, thoughtfulness…etc. Above all do not compromise your standards, beliefs and priorities in the name of love…

the things that are done
in Your name –
I mean, the things that are undone
behind
the flimsy facade of Your name

If our own eyes
had not seen in broad daylight
the things they have here
disclaimed on oath
we would be believing we
dreamt it all

In The Navel Of The Soul- Kwabena Eyi Acquah

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